The League Against Boredom

(Script Competition Entry)

THE OFFICE – NIGHT
MICHAEL and JOHN are the only people here.
MICHAEL
I’m BORED. I’m bored bored bored.
JOHN
I’m sure you’re not.
MICHAEL
I’m so bored..
Pause
JOHN
Yes?
He waits.
Jesus!
He leans over the desk and punches MICHAEL in the chest.
MICHAEL
Agh! What? What happened?
JOHN
You’re heart stopped. I’m sorry, I should have realized.
MICHAEL
I had a heart attack?
JOHN
No because that would be interesting. Your heart grew so bored between one beat and the next that it idled and stopped. You need the League Against Boredom.
MICHAEL
Who is that?
JOHN
I’ve no idea but they left this leaflet in the toilet.
MICHAEL refuses to touch it.
MICHAEL
Ugh. Spare me your soggy loo scrapings.
JOHN
It’s quite dry. Look. Read.
He holds the leaflet up to MICHAEL’s face.
LOUD VOICEOVER
Abolish the everyday!
MICHAEL
Woah woah, too loud.
JOHN
I’m sorry. I’ll hold it further away.
QUIET VOICE OVER
Abolish the everyday. Lay siege to ennui. Are you depressed, turgid? Locked in a grey world? Join the League Against boredom and never suffer again. We will fill your life with a violent levels of interest.
MICHAEL
That sounds alright. How do I join?
JOHN
It sounds dodgy. It says on the back ‘open any door to a dark interior space between the forty third and forty fourth tick of the minute of the first minute of the day exactly.’
MICHAEL
That’s this minute!
JOHN
There’s a door over there.
MICHAEL runs to door, looks at clock.
Clock Ticks.
MICHAEL
Right .. Now!
He flings open the door.
Nothing. Just Stationary.
JOHN
No that’s the thirty third.
MICHAEL
Ok…
They wait. Hold the shot.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
You know ten seconds a long
JOHN
Now!
MICHAEL flings open the door. Daylight comes from within. He steps through.
A BRIGHT OUTDOOR SPACE.
Maybe a Park?. Mr. Gilbert is here.
GILBERT
Welcome traveller! You who were bored ye shall be bored no more. Welcome to the League.
MICHAEL
Really? Fantastic. What do you do?
GILBERT
Today we are stealing DVD’s of Star Trek Voyager from shops and leaving them in skips.
MICHAEL
And tomorrow?
GILBERT
Tomorrow we assassinate Sir Patrick Moore and burn down the Ministry of Public Affairs.
MICHAEL
What do they do there?
GILBERT
Nothing. That’s the point.
MICHAEL
Excellent. I quite liked the Sky at night though Was like taking a warm bath … No. No. Sorry. Won’t happen again. Burn it down. Fantastic. How do I join?
GILBERT
You already have.
MICHAEL
Great, great. How do I leave?
GILBERT
Nobody does.
THE OFFICE – NIGHT
JOHN looks at the door. Walks over to it. Opens it.
Nothing. Only stationary.
JOHN
Hm
THE STREET OUTSIDE – NIGHT
JOHN walks down the street. A Tramp jumps out a him.
MICHAEL
It’s me it’s me! Keep walking. Listen!
JOHN
What happened? You look terrible.
MICHAEL
You’ve got to get me out!
JOHN
It’s only been a few minutes.
MICHAEL
Every second is a thousand years! There’s no pause, no neutral nothing. Absolute all-consuming interest in everything! One giant burning unbroken instant. Like a sneeze that goes on forever!
JOHN
God.
MICHAEL
It’s hell. They’re looking for me. I haven’t got long. You have to get me out!
JOHN
How?
MICHAEL recedes into the distance.
MICHAEL
The toilets man the toilets!
He goes into the dark.
Montage of JOHN searching various toilets. Public, Corporate e.t.c.
He picks up a piece of paper.
JOHN
Ah ha! Finally.
THE LIBRARY OF BOREDOM
Here are SLINE and possibly her helper. They are Grey people.
SLINE
So. You have found us.
JOHN
You are the League?
SLINE
The League of Boredom. Yes. The original.
JOHN
Good. Yes. Listen I have a problem.
SLINE
You are too interested. You should calm down.
HELPER
Calm down.
SLINE
Calm, down calm calm calm down down down. Yes.
JOHN
Its’ with a League.
SLINE
THEM.
JOHN
You know them?
SLINE
We war against them endlessly. They made words, we made paper. They made song, we wrote it down. They create war, we make peace. Today they killed a member of Time Team. We counter with a documentary on rain for BBC4. Did you know that the common conception of a raindrops shape is, in fact, inaccurate?
JOHN
Really? That’s .. interesting.
SLINE
It is? Hhhnnn.
JOHN
Sorry. Sorry. They have my friend.
SLINE
He has joined the League Against.
JOHN
I need to get him back. It’s terrible without, I mean it incredibly interesting without him. He was a uniquely dull man and without him my life has really taken flight.
SLINE
No.
JOHN
Yes. Will you help me?
SLINE
You must convince them that he is as we are.
JOHN
Boring.
SLINE
Beyond interest.
JOHN
Hmmm.
THE OFFICE – NIGHT
JOHN and MICHAEL are the only ones here.
JOHN
And so once I’d shot that technicolour dream rocket into the London eye and you showed no reaction, they let you go.

MICHAEL
And that’s all it took? Amazing.
JOHN
Well, you’re welcome.
They wait in silence.
MICHAEL
You know what though?
JOHN
Don’t say it.

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